Good morning and welcome to my January. I’m not sure quite where to start so I’ll start with the thought that brought me back here today.
I’ve been watching videos (hasn’t everyone?) that show women with children and women who are older and young women. Women in all phases of their lives. It’s been fascinating to see how everyone goes about their day and hear their thoughts. I’ve noticed that:
The older women are inspiring and sometimes make me feel like a slug.
The young women with children make me tired
The very young women make me smile and laugh. And sometimes make me feel lazy.
Maybe I should stop watching videos…..
Or maybe, just maybe, I should not compare myself to everyone I see on the internet.
As I have said before, I am a 67 year old woman who works full time as a social worker for a community mental health center. Not a physically demanding job but somedays it is mentally exhausting. I try to practice self care and for the most part I do. Sometimes I forget and run myself ragged and then I pay the price. I’ve noticed that my stamina and strength is not what it was. I could probably do something about that but I haven’t worked myself up to it yet.
I had covid in early 2022 and was sick for a long time. I had a form of long covid that sapped my energy level (and changed my tastebuds forever). I got my stamina back but not completely. I went through my days doing what I could and resting when I need to. It works for me and I don’t let myself feel guilty for having to rest.
This past December, I feel like I lost an entire month (which is screwing with my brain!). I got sick with what I thought was norovirus in early December but after a few days knew it was not that. My husband insisted we go to the ER because the intestinal distress and vomiting did not stop. They sent me home after pumping me full of fluids. In two days, we were back and this time they admitted me and I hung out there for the next 4 days.
After 4 days of tests, cultures, visits from specialists and a few quarts of blood given up, they had (or have) no idea what was making me sick. I was unable to keep any food in my body and my energy was gone completely. Running from my bed to the bathroom used up what little I had and I would collapse on the bed. I finally remembered all those grandmothers in novels offering “hot sweet tea” when someone was feeling poorly. I asked for some and a lovely nurse’s aide came back with tea and sugar. That was the first thing I could keep in my stomach and the sugar made my brain fog lessen and gave me some energy. From that time on, I had a cup of tea at all times and when I came home, my husband got me some egg drop soup. It was warm and salty and had protein. It was perfect.
Slowly, I added foods (crackers with cream cheese, small bits of tortilla chips with melted cheese, egg salad on crackers) and was able to stand long enough to get washed and then finally to shower. THAT felt amazing. Clean is underrated. As my brain fog lifted and I was able to pay attention more, I ordered Christmas presents through the mail and made some vague plans. Christmas was all about the “good enough” this year. El made torte with direction and I was able to make babka. Everything else was left alone.
I cannot ever thank my husband and daughter enough for the amount of cleaning up they had to do while I was sick. It was nasty and messy and they never once complained or got angry. I appreciate them so very much.
So, here we are in January. My Christmas things are coming down this weekend. Our car is in the shop and we are waiting to find out why it won’t start (please don’t let it be the fuel pump). Things are back to normal…..
Back to where I started. The women whose videos show them moving through their busy days
Keeping house and wrangling children (and in one case, baking all their bread and cooking from scratch) and keeping the house clean and neat make me feel inadequate. It shouldn’t because I know that they are showing carefully curated views of their lives and who knows what things look like every day. My house is not always a mess. I try hard to keep it straightened because it makes me feel calm and at peace. In short, I do the best I can and I have to learn to let myself off the hook for not being a perfect housekeeper.I was raised by a mother who had very firm ideas of how things should be done and how women should look, (“5 pounds lost would make a big difference you know”). Nothing was ever good enough. Letting go of that “not good enough” feeling is hard but I am finally getting there. We are clean enough to be healthy and neat enough to make us comfortable. And if we want to spend the weekend in pajamas watching movies, then we do that. Life is too short to be worried about the dust on the shelves.
We got our first snow in years. It was not much but it was so beautiful to watch. Now it’s just cold. Really cold. I am grateful for the heater we had installed a short time ago.
I am getting things together to start a craft group at work. Not focusing on arts and crafts but on the good feelings you get when you immerse yourself in a favorite activity. I’m hopeful but I’ve tried to have groups before and people feel like they need to justify the time they are taking from work and they don’t always feel ok about that. I want the managers to give their workers the green light to take part in some group activities. Cross your fingers!
Now it’s time for lunch. I’m going to eat and then knit for a bit. And maybe watch some of Jimmy Carter’s funeral. What a good man.
