When I was young, say in my early teens, I was a very naive person. I believed most people were good and most people were happy with themselves and the world. Back in the old days, the kids in my area went to elementary school (grades 1-5), middle school (6-8) and then high school. I was in middle school in the early 70's, I graduated 8th grade in 1972. In those days, boys got to take shop classes and girls took home economics classes. No choice involved. These were the days of separate boys and girls gym classes.

As a girl, I got to take Cooking, Sewing, Family Living and Homemaking. Cooking and sewing are self explanatory but Family Living and Homemaking were different. We learned how to set the table and how to make a budget (both worthwhile skills they STILL should teach) but there were also classes in appearance.

When I was growing up, my dad was starting his business and money was tight. I regularly got boxes of hand me down clothes from family members and I remember loving it. It was like Christmas going through the box. Rarely did we get new clothes. There just wasn't money. I learned to treat my clothes well to make them last. That was a good lesson to learn. I had a fairly good self concept at the time and really didn't think anything of it. I liked myself.

But, back to Homemaking. There was a young,unmarried, female (of course) teacher. One day in class, she asked what we would change about ourselves if we could. Now, we were 14 at the time. A very vulnerable age for a young person. When she came to me, I said I didn't want to change anything, I liked myself as I was. She didn't believe me. "Everyone has something they want to change" she said. I said that I liked my hair and eye color and I was fine with the shape of my body. I liked myself. This was unacceptable and instead of just saying "good for you", she insisted I find fault with myself.

This made me start wondering what flaws others saw that I didn't. Maybe I should have a new hair color or maybe I should lose some weight. My parents weren't the type who would sit and talk about this stuff. Their response was "don't be silly, you're fine just the way you are". And so the insecurity was born.

I'm not sure where this memory came from this morning but I was thinking about it in the shower. Where do our insecurities come from? If our earliest memories are of acceptance, are we more confident? Is it internal or is it from others that we get our sense of self acceptance?

I've managed over the years to come to terms with myself. I'm not a perfect person but I'm not all that bad, either. I could stand to lose a few pounds and I'm working on eating better for my health so that may happen. I'm patient and kind and generally positive in my thinking. I'm sentimental and cry easily (hallmark commercials are good for a few tears). I'm also very strong. Not physically but mentally. I'm thoughtful and good natured and easy to get along with. I'm bossy and stubborn and sometimes impetuous. I'm a good homemaker, I like to cook and I don't mind cleaning (ok, I mind. But I like a clean house so I do it). I am a good mother and a good wife and generally a good woman. And I don't get mad easily and rarely hold a grudge.

This is part of who I am. Who are you? Where did your ideas about yourself come from? I know this is profound for the early morning but this is where my thoughts were going this morning. Weird.

Em update. Her surgeon is consulting with a neurosurgeon to determine the best way to remove the tumor since there is some spinal involvement. They're not sure how much of the spine is involved and another mri may be in order. Surgery date should be forthcoming.