Well, I ripped out the 5 repeats of the edging on the evenstar.  (but you knew that, didn't you?).  5 repeats = 100 rows= 250 beads. (each row is 20 stitches or less so it's not like it was a 650 stitch row) Gone in less than a minute.  It was depressing but that feeling of having made the right decision was there.  I have since recouped the loss and have done SIX whole repeats (I know, a speed demon I'm not) and I am in awe of the beauty that I have created.

As a knitter, I am always unsure of my work.  Because I am entirely self taught (having no one at the time who knew what to do with pointy sticks except to poke dead things with them), I often doubt myself.  It never stopped me from trying anything but I am always sure that everyone else's work is somehow better than mine.  Does this make sense?  I have this sneaking suspicion that I am doing inferior work and no one wants to tell me.  (this probably stems from growing up in a family where nothing was praised or appreciated-nothing was ever really good enough, including me). 

  When I look at this project I am filled with pride and nerves.  Pride that I maneuvered the sticks and string to make something so beautiful and nervous that someone will find fault with it.  I am inching my way along the edge and admiring it as I go.  I have learned so much from this project and not just technically.  I also am learning to trust myself and my abilities.  Maybe it just comes with time. 

I spent the last two days in a training (Choosing Psychiatric Rehabilitation Goals) and made some good progress on the Fire Socks.  I am 2/3 of the way down the cuff of the second sock.  I introduced two  people to knitting in the round.  Both thought it was a kind of magic until I explained the whole idea of only working with two needles at a time.  "That doesn't look so hard" was the common answer.  Of course it's not too hard.  If it was that hard, would people do it for relaxation? 

This training was interesting, psych rehab is my field and I am fairly familiar with most aspects of it but it's always good to learn something new.  I also came to the conclusion that I am old.  I think I was the oldest person in the room and as I listened to the others ask questions, I was amazed at how much I knew just from being older and being in the field for so long.  It made me realize how much I actually KNOW without having to think about it for a long time.  For the first time, I realized how much expertise I have.  It felt weird. 

Today, I'm back at work.  There were only 4 messages on my phone.  None of them urgent.  That's way better than I expected.  I am looking forward to a quiet weekend and if it doesn't rain, I'll wash windows and curtains.  It's time (already!).  Last weekend we got the summer clothes out and the temps immediately dropped to wool-socks-and-sweater weather.  No complaints here.  As long as I get to see the sun once in a while, I'm ok with the cooler temps.  I'll continue to work on the edging.  Only 49 more repeats to go. 

Comments

Rose Red said…
I really hope no-one criticises your knitting, because it is just beautiful - good on you for ripping, because I wouldn't have, I'm not a perfectionist knitter at all.

I'm glad you had the lightbulb moment about your experience, because I'm sure you add so much value to your workplace and the people you deal with, and you should know your value and that you do a good job, it's so important.
KnitTech said…
I'm glad you know when you'll be unhappy with something and rip back. So far I'm doing good and haven't put in a life line on my project.
Roxie said…
I, too , am finding that just having put in my time on this earth has given me a whole lotta knowledge. It's a happy feeling. Now I have to learn to let people ASK for advice before I dump all my accumulated wisdom on them. Some folks just want to make their own mistakes. Or, as Will Rodgers said, "Some men can learn by reading, a few can learn by observation, and the rest of them just have to pee on the electric fence for themselves."

Now, although you haven't asked for it, I'm gonna give you some knitting advice. If you are pleased with the results, then call it good. There are some people who can find fault with Jesus Christ. It has nothing to do with your work. It's all about them needing to feel superior.

Also bear in mind that tastes differ, and other people are entitled to their own silly-ass opinions.

You could, if you wanted, give classes. Your skill level is teriffic. Sell yourself short if you want to, but I know better!
amy said…
It really is hard to judge one's own work. Good for you for realizing how much experience you have to offer in your job. I tend to undervalue my own skills, because I figure, if it's not that hard for me, it must be easy for everyone, right? As far as the knitting, I am usually pleased with what I've made, and if I'm not, then I fix it. It's hard to tell how someone else would judge it, if it's good or not.

(Of course, people who don't knit or who knit very little are always impressed that I've managed to knit entire sweaters for my kids. This kind of makes me laugh. If they only knew how easy it really was!)
Alwen said…
(This is weird - it says "Your comment was published", but I didn't post one yet!)

When you grow up with a lot of criticism, even if it's phrased as "I just want you to make something of yourself", I think it takes a long time to learn to not automatically criticize yourself. I still do it, even though I think I know better.

The ease of ripping back is really one of the things I love about knitting. It's so hard to do in tatting!
drkknits said…
oh yes, it makes sense. teaching yourself something, doubting ourself, the voices on the back of your mind. i know the feeling, but i know they're not real either, and i know your knitting is beautiful. you are braver than me for ripping all that out. it is scary a bit, that feeling of knowing stuff just by being older. there is a girl at my work who got into medical school, so you know, smart and everything. and she didnt know what apartheid was. i felt very old! but wise too. and im sure your wisdom is very much appreciated in your field.
Amy Lane said…
I know about that 'I know stuff because I've been around' feeling... it always makes me a little impatient when my administration tries to push a trend on me that I've seen in action before... but it also makes me feel like I need to open my minds to learn something different!

The Evenstar was looking SO beautiful... Man--I totally laud your ability to pull out something because it has flaws. I always just soldier on and point them out to myself later... your way is better....
Kaye said…
Ha ha! I'm like Rose Red...I never rip back. Call it a design element and keep going. Does that make me a bad knitter? Nope. Just a lazy one. :0)

Enjoy the warmer weather this weekend!
Louiz said…
Your knitting is beautiful! Don't doubt it.
Bells said…
i was knitting at work yesterday (on a sock on a circular) and this girl said 'that's really weird, that needle.'

I sighed. Not weird. I hated the tone in her voice.

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