I think there is a bug going around.  People at work are all complaining of the same things; sore throat, congested head, woozy feeling and really tired.  I thought it was just fall allergies but now I'm not so sure.  My very enabling husband brought me my phone as I lay in bed trying to decide if I wanted to get up saying, "go on, call out.  You know you want to".

Of course I want to.  But I didn't and now here I am at work.  I actually feel better than yesterday so whatever it was, it's not a strong bug.  I have a lingering sinus headache and massive congestion.  Not enough to justify using a sick day.

I figured out why all the thoughts of childhood are forcing their way to the front of my brain.  Monday was the anniversary of my mother's death.  (yea, El's birthday.)  I think I am still trying to come to terms with this and with the way our relationship was at the end.  It's not a regret thing.  I know in my heart that I couldn't have changed things as long as Pk and I are married.  I guess I could have forced myself into their lives but I am not one for forcing myself on anyone.  If you don't want me there, so be it.  But I have to come to terms with the actual loss. 

My mother was, as we all are, a flawed individual.  I think at heart she was an insecure woman and to make herself more secure she kept those around her in a constant state of chaos.  She was not a peaceful woman to be around.  She was loving and could be quite fun but there was an underlying feeling that it wouldn't last.  I don't know what she said to others about me when I wasn't around, but I do know how she talked about everyone else to me, so I can imagine. 

I enjoy a bit of gossip as much as the next person, so long as it's not malicious.  I don't mind talking about people and how they're doing but I don't find complaining about people entertaining (ok, that's a total lie.  We do this at work all the time but that's work and it's how we blow off steam and keep our sanity).   I don't think I needed to know how my father felt about my brother's wife.  Not my business.  And talk like that only makes relationships more difficult.

I used to envy families that I saw who all seemed to just genuinely respect and love each other.  I know everyone has problems but how you deal with them says a lot about your relationships.  I feel so fortunate to have created a family that can get together and have a good time and feel love and affection for each other and not be looking for things to pick on and pick apart.  We are not saints.  Far from it.  Don't make a mistake in my family and expect anyone to forget it!  But it's done with love and there's really no sharp point buried in the joking.  I will never live down the horrendous clam chowder I made Pk while I was in college or the zuchini boats I made the kids eat.  Pk will never forget that he once pronounced Ethiopia incorrectly (and now all incorrectly pronounced words are said to be from E-thee-o-pee-a).  But we laugh. 

When I told my mother about the cousin and the abuse (I was an adult when I told her, as a child, I was afraid and didn't understand.  No one had had "the talk" with me.), she just said "oh.  I didn't know".  No emotion, no outrage.  If it was one of my kids......well, I can't even describe the feeling I get just imagining one of my girls telling me that someone I had brought into the house abused them.  My chest feels tight and I can't breathe just thinking about it.  I sometimes wonder if she was one of those people who are not capable of expressing deeper emotions.  She may never have learned.  It doesn't matter now.  We tend to forgive our parents many things but not protecting us is something else.  Maybe deep inside, I am still that child who felt unprotected.  It may explain why I have grown up to want to protect my clients (and everyone I know.  Pk frequently reminds me I can't save the world much as I'd like to).  I need to let go and forgive her. 

I think I'm done with the introspection for the moment.  I miss my mother some days.  I feel sorrow that my girls didn't know her but glad they weren't exposed to the chaos.  They had strong loving older women in their lives and hopefully didn't feel the loss too much. 

"Learning how to be kind to ourselves, learning how to respect ourselves, is important. The reason it's important is that, fundamentally, when we look into our own hearts and begin to discover what is confused and what is brilliant, what is bitter and what is sweet, it isn't just ourselves that we're discovering. We're discovering the universe."

~Pema Chödrön

Fall seems to be a good time for reflection and discovering.  I just don't want to drown in it.   I don't want life to get away from me while I'm gazing at my navel.