My mother died today.  I knew I would be saying those words some day but somehow I didn't think it would be today.  My mom has been sick for a number of years but each time we were sure "this is it" she bounced back like the Energizer Bunny.

I haven't seen or talked to her for a while.  There are a lot of complicated reasons for this.  And in the fullness of time, I will examine them again and again and ask myself if I should have done things differently.  But not today.  Today I am sad. 

It's my oldest daughter's 26th birthday and I wanted to write about what a wonderful person she is, how loving and caring.  And I will, but not today.  Today I am spending reflecting how people influence my life, whether they are involved with the dailyness of it or not. 

My mother's name was Mary Jane.  Everytime I see one of those little candies I think of her.  When I seen carnations, I think of her.  When I smell certain perfumes, I think of her.  When I look at my children, I will think of her.  And I will continue to think of her with love and a deep sense of loss. 

My mother died today.  I have to keep saying it so it sinks in.  That layer of adults between me and ultimate adulthood is one adult thinner.

Comments

Galad said…
Thinking of you and sending hugs.
teabird said…
Oh, Donna, I know how complicated relationships can be - I'm thinking about you.
Bells said…
Oh Donna Lee. I'm sorry. Some time, I want to talk to you about some of the complications here, but right now I just want to send a hug across the world. xo
Olivia said…
And more hugs to you and your family, Donna Lee.

I like your concept of "ultimate adulthood" - I don't think we ever feel as grown-up, at least in certain ways, as our parents/aunts/uncles.
Amy Lane said…
Thoughts and healing your way, sweetheart. Relationships are complicated, and so is loss.
Rose Red said…
I'm really sorry Donna Lee, for your loss and for the relationship complications, and for this coinciding with the birthday, which should be a happy time. Big hugs to you.
TinkingBell said…
Hugs - so sorry to hear this
thinking of you
Louiz said…
I'm sorry for your loss, and that it's complicated:( *Hugs*
Bezzie said…
I never have the right things to say for times like these. But I'm out here thinking of you.
Roxie said…
I'm so sorry. I'm sending virtual hugs and wishing I could send for your fridge because cooking is the last thing you think of at a time like this.
Geek Knitter said…
I'm so sorry to hear this. Sending hope for love and comfort towards you and your family. Peace to you all.
amy said…
I'm so sorry. No matter what the relationship, it's a loss. Just yesterday I thought, "I should call Mom." I don't know where the thought came from, but of course, I can't. And she didn't really like to talk much on the phone anyway. So there you go. Complicated, and sad. When she died, not only did my mother die, but so did any chance that things would ever be different than they were. That's hard, too. I'm thinking of you, and if you need anything I can do from here--listen?--just let me know.
SwissKnits! said…
I'm so sorry for your loss... May your mother rest in peace... and may you find peace too.

Hugs
Michelle
Mag said…
It's a long, winding road to recovery from the shock of losing your mother, sometimes three steps forward, ten steps back. I lost my mother four years ago and still I struggle. We had a complicated and estranged relationship, but I loved her. She's here with me every day like a ghost inside my head.

I am sorry for your loss.

Mag
Sheepish Annie said…
Oh, Donna Lee...I am just so very, very sorry. Words never seem like enough at times like this. ::hugs::
dr k said…
thinking of you xx
Taphophile said…
Your loss is real and immense. Moreso when the relationship has been difficult and complex. Thinking of you and your family in this terrible time and in the time to come.
DPUTiger said…
Sending hugs. We'll be happy to hear about your daughter at your leisure. Nothing wrong with a little delayed b-day post. Hang in there!
colleen said…
So sorry for your loss.
Dianne said…
I'm so very sorry. Sooooo sorry. I'm sending you big hugs and healing thoughts...
Julie said…
I'm so sorry. All I can think of to say. So sorry. Such a hard thing. We're all thinking of you. Hugs.
Jeanne said…
I'm so sorry for your loss - sending you warm thoughts.

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